Back atcha, Slim!
...And you express disbelief that LB falls into spells of distrust, anger, and pain at the awareness of your infidelity. You then confuse forgiveness with trust. You think that because she forgives you, that she'll foolishly trust you, and you foolishly think that if you don't *tell* her about your sins against her, then they don't really exist. That is the idiocy of your "compartmentalization theory". The crap all exists, and LB, the physical manifestation of the Holy Spirit within your marriage, knows it all *in her spirit*, whether you *tell* her or not. She may not be able to prove it, but she knows. Living with a liar (particularly one who lies as poorly as you do) for over 20 years gives her a really strong foundation for knowing when it is and when it ain't so. Your insistence on her having actual proof is an insult to her and condemnation, rather than redemption, for you.
And you make the mistake of thinking that forgiveness for the one act is forgiveness for all acts: she cannot do this; while she is ever hopeful that you will live up to your commitment, she knows you and your frailty all too well and knows that this will be difficult for you to do; she responds with supreme disappointment, sadness, and a wounded heart when she inevitably finds out that she is correct. It is not a happy place to exist.
So back in the day, when you wrote to me "this is not a test" and I responded to you: "don't kid a kidder: it's *all* a test!," you should have believed me, trusted that I knew whereof I spoke. I was as much a test for you as you were for me, and we both failed miserably.
And all that angst about not living up to your ideal: a waste of time and energy! You should know by now (what are you now, like 60, right?) that you were born a pelt inspector, pledged allegiance early on in the snacker brotherhood, have falsified your credentials for membership in the serial monogamist tribe, and thus the alluring life of one who mates for life is but an ever-elusive dream…...
(note to new readers: you will have to refer to my earlier theory on the nature of human mating relationships to get the definitions of some of the terms used above)
Ahhh, but that's just another angry, hurt, and disillusioned woman writing; I truly believe that each and every day, you have the opportunity to become what you dream. You should continue to strive for that ideal--but remember that control of yourself (and not the other) is what is key to your success!
You have much to make up for; it will not be easy for the ideals of trust, comfort and love to reestablished in your home. You must accept the fact that you have to earn that trust, and five weeks/months/years of fidelity at a stretch is not an acceptable guideline for LB to say, "OK, we're good!"
In the time that passes between now and that eventuality, focus not on your various outside dalliances and distractions, but instead focus all that energy and desire on LB. She deserves and needs that from you. Don't behave as a petulant child when she finds it difficult to reach out and/or let you in. Use some of that oft-touted empathy of yours to feel *her* pain and help her heal from the emotional blows you have repeatedly dealt her over the years.
And as I suggested to you two years ago, try praying for guidance (and the ordering of your steps) BEFORE the fact rather than guilty prayers of remorse AFTER the inevitable sin has occurred--you'd be amazed at the difference it will make in your decisions, events, and actions. Because if you want to save your union, you really must stop with the tearing it down.
Last year around this time, you wrote me a note --ostensibly responding to my question about ethics--that may have set in motion a whole dynamic inside of me. In reading the note, I finally realized that it was that missing connection with LB that drove you to do *everything you did* with me. It wasn't *me*, per se, that you wanted or needed, but a replacement part, as it were, for *her*. Of course, that was the basic missing element in our "relationship". You know that I need to be needed and wanted because of who and what *I* am, rather than who I am not…..
But I digress; the point was that in reading that note, I recognized you for the miserable fuck that you are: caught up in your own carnal needs, unable to express them suitably with your mate (possibly because, living as you have all your life in the overwhelming shadow of the fear, guilt and shame you feel about your fundamental appetites, you never told her --never helped her to truly appreciate -- that it is not that you just *like* or *want* to do certain things, you *need* these things, that they *drive* you…..), never coming to a mutually satisfying understanding of what wives and husbands are entitled to do with one another; and thus you spend your time looking around furtively to find other holes into which you could surreptitiously plug your pegs. --and still, even when you find success multiple times in multiple people [because there are millions of "almost perfect" people in the world], romantic fool that you are, you are unsatisfied, because still, we are not she.
And you make the mistake of thinking that forgiveness for the one act is forgiveness for all acts: she cannot do this; while she is ever hopeful that you will live up to your commitment, she knows you and your frailty all too well and knows that this will be difficult for you to do; she responds with supreme disappointment, sadness, and a wounded heart when she inevitably finds out that she is correct. It is not a happy place to exist.
So back in the day, when you wrote to me "this is not a test" and I responded to you: "don't kid a kidder: it's *all* a test!," you should have believed me, trusted that I knew whereof I spoke. I was as much a test for you as you were for me, and we both failed miserably.
And all that angst about not living up to your ideal: a waste of time and energy! You should know by now (what are you now, like 60, right?) that you were born a pelt inspector, pledged allegiance early on in the snacker brotherhood, have falsified your credentials for membership in the serial monogamist tribe, and thus the alluring life of one who mates for life is but an ever-elusive dream…...
(note to new readers: you will have to refer to my earlier theory on the nature of human mating relationships to get the definitions of some of the terms used above)
Ahhh, but that's just another angry, hurt, and disillusioned woman writing; I truly believe that each and every day, you have the opportunity to become what you dream. You should continue to strive for that ideal--but remember that control of yourself (and not the other) is what is key to your success!
You have much to make up for; it will not be easy for the ideals of trust, comfort and love to reestablished in your home. You must accept the fact that you have to earn that trust, and five weeks/months/years of fidelity at a stretch is not an acceptable guideline for LB to say, "OK, we're good!"
In the time that passes between now and that eventuality, focus not on your various outside dalliances and distractions, but instead focus all that energy and desire on LB. She deserves and needs that from you. Don't behave as a petulant child when she finds it difficult to reach out and/or let you in. Use some of that oft-touted empathy of yours to feel *her* pain and help her heal from the emotional blows you have repeatedly dealt her over the years.
And as I suggested to you two years ago, try praying for guidance (and the ordering of your steps) BEFORE the fact rather than guilty prayers of remorse AFTER the inevitable sin has occurred--you'd be amazed at the difference it will make in your decisions, events, and actions. Because if you want to save your union, you really must stop with the tearing it down.
Last year around this time, you wrote me a note --ostensibly responding to my question about ethics--that may have set in motion a whole dynamic inside of me. In reading the note, I finally realized that it was that missing connection with LB that drove you to do *everything you did* with me. It wasn't *me*, per se, that you wanted or needed, but a replacement part, as it were, for *her*. Of course, that was the basic missing element in our "relationship". You know that I need to be needed and wanted because of who and what *I* am, rather than who I am not…..
But I digress; the point was that in reading that note, I recognized you for the miserable fuck that you are: caught up in your own carnal needs, unable to express them suitably with your mate (possibly because, living as you have all your life in the overwhelming shadow of the fear, guilt and shame you feel about your fundamental appetites, you never told her --never helped her to truly appreciate -- that it is not that you just *like* or *want* to do certain things, you *need* these things, that they *drive* you…..), never coming to a mutually satisfying understanding of what wives and husbands are entitled to do with one another; and thus you spend your time looking around furtively to find other holes into which you could surreptitiously plug your pegs. --and still, even when you find success multiple times in multiple people [because there are millions of "almost perfect" people in the world], romantic fool that you are, you are unsatisfied, because still, we are not she.
posted by Unknown at 12:07 PM
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