What on Earth am I Here For?
What on Earth am I here for? --An interview with myself
"I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born." --Isaiah 44:2
If I know that God created me "uniquely", why would I struggle to accept portions or areas of my personality, background or physical appearance? Why ask why? 'Cause I know I have struggled to accept my size, my shape, my knocking knees; in my early youth, it was my skin color [which I blamed on my mother's choice in a husband!]; in my years past puberty, it was my never gonna get past 5'4" height; in my young adulthood, it was my nuclear family; then it was the "secret" part of me that despite my strong women's liberation front, desperately sought to be bound to and submitted to some man….(shhhhh! And if you ever tell anybody about this, I'll deny it to my dying day…)
What has been the driving force in my life up until 2004?
Pleasure and confusion have been the coincidental partners in my life. Jostling from one passion to the next has proved unsatisfying, unfulfilling, and a waste of time. At 50 years, I am truly playing catch-up and must take life at an accelerated pace to 'get up to speed'. After recent conversations with a couple of long-time friends, (Mildred and Curtis) it seems that I may have underestimated or misidentified my driving forces: according to them, I've been on a never-ending quest for spirituality, the essence of truth and The Way for as long as they've each known me. As a matter of fact, it was at a crystal-healing, pyramid-power seminar at City College that I first met Curtis in the first place. We were both searching for that "thing" that made life worthwhile. I personally never identified it as such until they both made the same observation...
What things kept me from finding my true purpose?
Me. I did not know that I did not know and could not know my purpose, because I kept asking the wrong person. Me. Not until I gave up the reins this year did the lifelong yearning and reason become clear.
What was I so attached to that not letting go of blocked my blessing and understanding my purpose?
I was attached to me, my ego, my bigger than the room personality, and my pride. My ability to get and to achieve material comforts and to excel in the business world without really trying were areas of pride and ultimately attachment. Now life, circumstances, God, has divorced me from all of that and placed me in a situation where I must be the humble servant to many who do not appreciate anything or anyone. My "nice things" have mostly gone away, to my dismay; but no longer focused on their sole acquisition or maintenance, I am freer to explore the word of God.
"I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born." --Isaiah 44:2
If I know that God created me "uniquely", why would I struggle to accept portions or areas of my personality, background or physical appearance? Why ask why? 'Cause I know I have struggled to accept my size, my shape, my knocking knees; in my early youth, it was my skin color [which I blamed on my mother's choice in a husband!]; in my years past puberty, it was my never gonna get past 5'4" height; in my young adulthood, it was my nuclear family; then it was the "secret" part of me that despite my strong women's liberation front, desperately sought to be bound to and submitted to some man….(shhhhh! And if you ever tell anybody about this, I'll deny it to my dying day…)
What has been the driving force in my life up until 2004?
Pleasure and confusion have been the coincidental partners in my life. Jostling from one passion to the next has proved unsatisfying, unfulfilling, and a waste of time. At 50 years, I am truly playing catch-up and must take life at an accelerated pace to 'get up to speed'. After recent conversations with a couple of long-time friends, (Mildred and Curtis) it seems that I may have underestimated or misidentified my driving forces: according to them, I've been on a never-ending quest for spirituality, the essence of truth and The Way for as long as they've each known me. As a matter of fact, it was at a crystal-healing, pyramid-power seminar at City College that I first met Curtis in the first place. We were both searching for that "thing" that made life worthwhile. I personally never identified it as such until they both made the same observation...
What things kept me from finding my true purpose?
Me. I did not know that I did not know and could not know my purpose, because I kept asking the wrong person. Me. Not until I gave up the reins this year did the lifelong yearning and reason become clear.
What was I so attached to that not letting go of blocked my blessing and understanding my purpose?
I was attached to me, my ego, my bigger than the room personality, and my pride. My ability to get and to achieve material comforts and to excel in the business world without really trying were areas of pride and ultimately attachment. Now life, circumstances, God, has divorced me from all of that and placed me in a situation where I must be the humble servant to many who do not appreciate anything or anyone. My "nice things" have mostly gone away, to my dismay; but no longer focused on their sole acquisition or maintenance, I am freer to explore the word of God.
posted by Unknown at 1:40 PM
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